sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
