I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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