I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
