Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
