Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
