It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
God, I missed his penis.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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