I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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