Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
