weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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