not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Someone came in the potted fern
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
