Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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