Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
