I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
