Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
