$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
