In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found the puke drawer
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Randomize
