How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pants are for mortals
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
