i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
