he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
