News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
