I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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