I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
