She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
