He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize