drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Who died my cat blue again?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
