Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
