rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
