If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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