i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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