I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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