she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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