Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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