The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
