I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This is classic penis vs brain.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
