I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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