Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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