Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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