Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize