so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
