in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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