worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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