i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
