Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
