They should really pass out barf bags in church
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
