my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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