i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
