Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
