You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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