do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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