I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize