sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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