Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
