So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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