So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
