it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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