I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
