And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
