the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
