she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
